Little miss Airi Jade is finally filling out her newborn outfits! I was a little sad when I realized this isn't huge on her anymore. My itty-bitty babe is growing so fast!! I love seeing her become more alert. Her smiles are getting bigger and bigger and I'm anxiously waiting to hear her little giggles! Something I've come to notice is that she LOVES looking at lights. Since we brought her home from the hospital, I noticed she would stare behind me in bed, and I wondered what it was that was so entrancing and I realized she's looking at the flickering candles on my bed post. Now she stares out the windows and always has her head tilted back to look at the ceiling lights. I wish I could take her into the temple and see the beautiful chandeliers...Pretty sure she'd poop her pants out of excitement!
So, I want to write a few thoughts down. And I am going to be completely honest in hopes that someone else reading this will know they are not alone if they are experiencing the same thing. And I think being open about it, even though I don't know at this moment, makes me feel like I'm not alone either.
We're a little over a month and a half into this journey. So far, it's been...I can't even find a word for what it's been! Ups and downs all around. I wish I could say it's been all butterflies and rainbows, but this recovery has been extremely difficult on me both physically and very much emotionally. I've experienced overwhelming gratitude in the first few weeks of motherhood, getting help from everyone in every way - - laundry, meals, cleaning the home, sleeping over to give me a full nights rest, generous gifts for both me and Airi, and much much more. I've experienced a ridiculous amount of guilt. A ridiculous amount. Guilty that I don't deserve so much help. Guilty that I'm sitting around all day and I can't do anything for myself. Guilty that DJ doesn't complain about waiting on me hand and foot. I just feel undeserving in general. I've also experienced a lot of physical pain, exhaustion, every emotion from my heart almost bursting being in such a euphoric state the first few days of holding her, to feeling so down about myself and my recovery and my confidence as a new mother. There have been times when I'm so happy to be with her and cry from loving her so much, and there have also been times when I get so frustrated and I cry because I feel inadequate and I can't do it! This has definitely been the hardest thing I've ever done, bar none. It's tested my patience, my will power, my physical and emotional strength...I thought I was so much stronger than this which makes me feel disappointed in myself. But one thing I do know that I am very grateful for is my new found relationship with Christ. I know I couldn't do this without my little constant prayers throughout the day asking for help. It's what keeps me going, knowing He hears my prayers and won't let me fail, even when I feel like I'm at my lowest point. I'm grateful for this journey so far despite all my emotions, and I'm excited to continue growing and learning through my little Airi Jade.
