Grandpa Fred

Today, grandpa passed away. Dad called me around 11:00 a.m. letting me know that grandpa had passed just after he had woken up. I can't remember all the details dad told me...all I could think about was, is he really gone? My first reaction was a gasp and my jaw dropped. I mean, grandpa has been pretty slow lately, but last I talked to him, he was just so happy and didn't show any signs of exhaustion...and even if he was tired, he just put on his happiest face and joined in on the party. Its so weird...death. What do you do? How do you react? What are you suppose to do after the fact? I feel weird just going back to what I was doing before dad called. Its so silly -- I was just adding people on LinkedIn... Now what do I do? Do I get ready for work? Should I sit and think about grandpa? And then what do I do when I go to work? Just go serve people food and put this at the back of my mind so I can get through work? I can't and don't want to stop thinking about grandpa...

...

I just got back from grandma and grandpa's house. I first went into work thinking, okay I can tough it out, besides, if grandpa were here he'd tell me to stop crying and get to work! But I do think there needs to be some time for grieving. Luckily, my coworkers were kind to me and helped me out so I could go visit with my family at my grandparent's home. When I got there, I saw a few of my family members, and then I saw my grandma, and she was just sitting in the office chair talking to someone on the phone, but gave me a little smile with a few tears in her eyes and waved. I was glad to know that she could still put a smile on her face. Later as we hugged, she just kept saying with a smile, "This is okay, it'll be okay." It brought me so much peace just sitting and being with family. We sat around and looked at a binder grandpa had put together. It was his funeral binder that he had organized many years ago. Who does that! And when I say organized, he was or-ga-niiiized! One trait that I wish I had. In this binder, it had everything you could think of to take care of things after he had gone. It was more like a thick book than a binder. Pages were tabbed, articles were collected containing financial information on how to take care of funerals, he even had researched all types of caskets -- he chose the cheapest one, naturally. The best part of it was that he put humor in almost every page. As we were reading through it, I think we all laughed way more than we cried.

... Grandpa, we love you so much and already miss you like crazy. The last time we chatted on the phone, we were both at separate parties but you promised me we would have a party together soon. Well, I am going to hold you to that promise and I look forward to our next party! You bring the hot fudge, I'll bring the home-made ice cream along with some awesome mint chocolate chip. I'm so glad I got to see you one last time in your home. I'll miss sitting with you and hearing stories of your past. I'm so grateful for out little chats, and I loved hearing you tell me how proud of me you were. It makes me proud to have such a loving grandpa who lets me know how special I am. You would always tell me to be a good girl, and I'm doing my best. Above all, I'm going to miss your hugs. Especially when you squeeze me so tight and say "Let go, let go~!" I'm sending you the biggest hug from my heart, and no, I will not let go :) Love you grandpa!

I love these pictures of my grandpa's hands. Its so interesting because there were only a few images of grandpa from my wedding luncheon, but from these few images, they are exactly what I remember from grandpa. If ever he was just sitting, relaxing, or just listening to a conversation, he would always hold his hands as he sat, intertwining his fingers, and close to his face. I'm so grateful for these portraits and will cherish them forever.